Stumbling into polyamory

It was 2018. 

I had been in a steady relationship for two years. A school friendship that had grown into a relationship.

In a casual conversation, I told him, “I don’t think monogamy is the only way to be. If we can love two friends and parents can love two kids, why can’t we love two partners?”

He looked at me askance.

“That’s not how it works. You can only love one person at a time,” he said, offended.

I was surprised. I didn’t think my question was that offensive. But it turns out, for him, it was. He was right, in a way. Society tells us we can only love one person at a time. While I could sympathize with his view, his instant reaction, that dismissive stare, had got me thinking. Why does something that seems so natural to me feel so wrong to him?

Misunderstandings and confusions

I had always found myself drawn to multiple people. I would have this urge to get to know them more deeply and connect with them in a way that was more than just platonic.

I would catch myself daydreaming about what it would be like to date them or even kiss them. But I never acted on these feelings out of fear of hurting my then-partner’s feelings. While I threw random questions about monogamy at people, I didn’t pause to think about how I felt about it. Then, I slowly fell in love with another person. All the logical cells in my brain screamed at me to stop. I was being unfaithful. But my heart told me otherwise.

I felt like I was betraying my partner by even having these feelings. But if I took what others think out of the equation, the situation seemed absolutely normal. I loved two people. So what? But it’s not that simple when you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. He asked me to choose. I couldn’t pick based on whom I loved more. (how do you even quantify love?) But I let go of him for asking me to choose.

It was a time of confusion and shame. Words like betrayal and cheating were thrown around. There was no one to take my side or make me feel better. I was all alone in trying to make sense of these complicated emotions. But I knew deep down that I had done nothing wrong.

Those were the times I still hadn’t considered ‘polyamory’ as an option. I didn’t have the faintest clue of what polyamorous relationships looked like or if anyone would even be open to the idea.

But that conversation was always there in my head. It sparked an inner conflict that would not be put to rest until I found the answer myself.

A promise to let myself be

Two years after the breakup, I made a promise not to suffocate myself into being monogamous (I tried). I decided to let go and see what would happen. Maybe it was all just ‘the age,’ as many pointed out.

In 2020, amid the pandemic, I found myself in another relationship. This time with someone who was more understanding and open to the idea of open relationships. We had a long conversation about it early in our relationship, and we both decided that we were okay to see other people.

It was a relief to talk about it openly without feeling like I was doing something wrong. But even then, I still didn’t label myself as polyamorous. I was in an “Open Relationship,” and that was a good start.

Love found me again

Another two years went by, and all was well. I was in a happy and healthy relationship.

There was no urge to seek new partners, and I was beginning to think maybe all I needed was freedom. 

That was until an overenthusiastic guy in my parkour class caught my eye and started talking to me. Within a few conversations, we knew there was more than just a spark between us. Funnily enough, what intrigued him about me was my pandemic love story! When he confessed his feelings for me, I asked him, “You do realize I have another partner, right?”

He said, “Yeah, I know. To be honest, I have no clue how this is going to work out. But I love you too much to let go without trying.”

And this was my other partner’s reaction when I told him I had found love again – “If you are in love, you are in love. Anything that makes you happy.” 

There was no denying it anymore. 

I’m polyamorous. I was in love with two people. And I was happy. Why did it take me so long to accept this?

I think it was the fear of being judged. I was worried about what my family and friends would say. I was worried they would see me as ‘unfaithful.’ But I realized everything would be okay if I were true to myself and honest with the people I was involved with.

And it has been.

Rough roads

It wasn’t easy getting here. 2018 – 2021 were years of shame and doubts.

Of feeling like I was doing something wrong. Like I was betraying my partner by even considering being with someone else. I was worried about what people would think. That they would judge me and see me as some sort of predator. I was worried that I was just going through a phase. That I was too young and naive to understand the complexities of relationships.

True to my fears, some people judged me. And some still do.

But I persisted. I continued to explore and learn about polyamory and myself. And slowly but surely, I built a life that felt more true to me. I had to lose some people on the way. But I gained so much more.

A sense of self-worth. Of self-love. Confidence.

There’s still a long way to go. I haven’t mustered the courage to come out to my parents. I know it will be hard. They are quite traditional, and I’m not sure they will understand. But for now, I am content. I am happy with the life I have built for myself. And I am grateful for the people who have been a part of my journey. Grateful for my friends and partners who were open to listening.

Looking back, if you had told me 3 years ago that this is where I would be, I would have never believed you. But here I am. Happier than I have ever been with two healthy relationships and space to grow even more.

I am so grateful to have stumbled into polyamory. To a world of love and possibilities.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the views of MyndStories