This is a personal essay written by the author, sharing their individual journey and experiences. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this piece belong solely to the author and do not necessarily reflect those of MyndStories. This essay has not been professionally vetted or reviewed for clinical accuracy.
Ever feel like you’re drowning in a sea of thoughts and emotions?
I have. Gasping for air. But in those depths, I found myself navigating the depths of my mind, searching for ways to stay afloat and discovering hidden treasures in the process.
I’ll turn 37 this year, and what I’m about to share spans a decade of intense internal struggle but, ultimately, of healing.
My life is no fairytale, but I have been fortunate. My struggles were never about basic survival.
I had everything to fulfill my materialistic desires and beautiful people around me in the form of friends and family. Yet, the irony was no one knew the deep, prolonged sadness I carried. I had plenty of people to laugh with but no one to share my gloomy secrets with. My outer world was full of light, but my inner world was pitch dark.
Life was asking tough questions, but my restless, overwhelming mind had none. Unable to pinpoint the cause, I couldn’t express what was happening inside. It felt like a brute force striking my mind hard now and then. What started as an occasional unease turned into chronic breathlessness. I felt perpetually anxious, deserted in a crowd, and slowly losing interest in (literally) everything!
Not that I didn’t think of seeking help.
But which doctor? Felt impossible to categorize. Sharing with someone raised more questions: Who could I talk to? What would I even explain? These apprehensions consumed my head, intensifying the mental load. I ignored it for a while, but each passing moment only escalated my disorientation.
Do I seem so normal to my loved ones, or are they blind? Am I over-expecting? Have I become an attention-seeker?
Yes, all of this caused brutal friction leading to bruises none acknowledged!
Diagnosis and disappointment: When medication wasn’t enough
Finally, in my mid-twenties, I consulted a psychiatrist. It felt like a miserable surrender when I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder—a type of long-term depression. The prescribed antidepressants offered little solace. While they took away my sleepless nights, they left me groggy and lifeless, sometimes sleeping for 12 hours at a stretch. Happiness, a feeling I desperately longed for, became elusive. I was reduced to mere existence. Sweet memories felt locked behind an unbreakable door. My condition worsened.
How a bout of jaundice led to exploring meditation
Amid depression, I contracted jaundice—a physical illness with visible symptoms. Ironically, it turned my life around. A liver infected with jaundice doesn’t allow the use of antidepressants. Forced to discontinue, I endured unbearable withdrawal symptoms, mostly choosing to isolate in my room until they subsided. But once the side effects faded, a fragile willingness to face the outside world emerged.
But you know the best part about hitting rock bottom? There’s nowhere to go but up. It made me rethink meditation. I’d heard whispers of its strength to bring peace, clarity, and joy, but honestly, those experiences had always eluded me, no matter how many times I’d tried. Still, a part of me, a small voice, urged me to keep trying, to not give up on finding a way to heal from within.
Then, after recovering from jaundice, something shifted. One morning, I woke to an unfamiliar sense of freshness—a lightness I hadn’t felt in years. It was as if the illness had, strangely, cleared a path. Those moments of unexpected clarity resonated deeply, aligning with what I’d heard about meditation’s potential. This time, I felt a renewed sense of hope and curiosity.
I decided to explore meditation sincerely, starting with Mindfulness Meditation. Little did I know the vast world of meditative practices that existed beyond that starting point!
Honestly, most days were a struggle. Frustration and futility were my constant companions. But I endured, I persevered, convinced this was my last resort. Then, after about a week, my mind stumbled into a completely new territory – a state of being so profound it’s hard to put into words. Call it timeless euphoria, deep inner peace, or presence. Whatever it was, it was transformative. And thereon, my journey of healing truly began, a journey of embracing my vulnerability with love and acceptance and stepping into a more courageous, aware version of myself.
Moving forward: Embracing depression by talking about it
I’m not completely free of depression, but it no longer controls me. My soul is no longer captive to my mind. I feel content, yet my desires are growing. I’ve stopped fighting my ego, acknowledging positivity and negativity are simply flip sides of the same coin, and every honest feeling deserves grace. My condition could have been diagnosed earlier and addressed sooner. But I, like most others, lacked awareness. Growing up, all we knew about mental illness was the stigma: Mentally ill means mad.
Discussing mental health is still taboo in many parts of the world. Worse, the word depression is thrown around so casually that those truly suffering from it feel invalidated. This creates a terrible paradox where people cannot open up about their struggles. And when they try, their words are often ignored or misunderstood.
People who’ve never experienced mental health challenges may not deeply engage with our expressions—they simply don’t know how it feels.
But that mustn’t stop us from expressing our inner selves. Let’s stop expecting others to act and take the first step ourselves. Mental health is not a taboo. Let’s talk about it as openly as we discuss the flu. Let’s also incorporate a daily 10-minute meditation practice into our distracted lives. Together, we can create awareness and kick the stigma around mental health right on its butt.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges, we encourage you to seek support from a qualified mental health professional. Our therapists are right here.
