Since childhood, we are taught to nurture our relationships with everyone else. Parents. Family. Friends. As we grow up, we find our anchor in these relationships, but it’s equally important to develop a relationship with ourselves.
Who are we really? How do we maintain our individuality and authenticity when the world wants us to fit it? What’s the cost of being authentic amidst all judgments?
I had a candid conversation with Zain Calcuttawala, a mental health activist, about all these questions and much more on The MyndStories Podcast. Zain is the founder of Marbles Lost & Found, India’s first mental health awareness podcast, which addresses mental health, depression, and anxiety.
Never underestimate the power of communication
Zain candidly opened up about the beginning of his therapy sessions amidst a lack of resources on depression and anxiety around 2016. When he found therapy helpful for his mental health, he took it upon himself to discuss it with more people.
While he was expecting reactions of resilience and discomfort, he surprisingly says, “I was actually received with a lot of compassion, care, and concern, and really a lot of empathy. People also started talking to me about the stuff that they were dealing with.”
Those conversations laid the foundation of Marbles Lost & Found, India’s first mental health awareness podcast.
Go to the space where you’ll be seen
At every stage of life, you find yourself in different situations that bring out a new side of your personality. Having gone through times of isolation in a foreign country and broken relationships, Zain was struck down with anger and resentment for his own life. But even after repeated attempts of distracting himself from this sense of dread, he couldn’t help himself.
All of us have been in such situations.
At his weakest point, Zain let his guard down and shared his mental space with his ex-partner. He goes on to say, “That was a pivotal point for me because that was like the first time in my life where I felt like I wasn’t alone. That was the first time in my life where I felt seen.”
Find your anchor and hold onto it
When we are in a vulnerable mental state, we crave an anchor to reaffirm our faith in life. For Zain, it has been the acceptance of his parents and family after the initial knee-jerk reaction of taking therapy and starting a mental health podcast.
This support, though a rarity in Indian families, can help you sail through tough times, smoothly.
But first, we have to be vulnerable and authentic in our conversations with people. That’s when we’ll find out if they can be the anchors of our emotional state.
Authenticity comes with practice
Zain believes that being your authentic self is a continuous challenge in our heads. It’s not easy being authentic, but it’s a continuous choice. There even are situations where it’s not wise to be your candid self. But most of the time, being authentic without fearing judgment is a skill that comes with practice.
You have to explore different parts of your mind, look inwards and evaluate your thoughts and beliefs, and finally see who you really are.
For Zain, being authentic is all about, “Allowing yourself a space to inquire, allowing yourself a space to be curious, allowing yourself to just feel and experience your emotions rather than acting on them impulsively. All of this comes with practice.”
The cost of being authentic is worth it
Sure, you may lose the people who don’t align with your true identity. But choosing your authentic self is still better than blending with the crowd. Zain believes that this gives you an opportunity to appreciate the value you bring to the table, and also appreciate the ones who
People pleasing is not a problem (conditions apply)
I have struggled with trying to please everyone around me, so when Zain said that it’s not necessarily a problem, it was a fresh take for me.
He explains, “There’s actually nothing really wrong with people pleasing. In fact, it can demonstrate some degree of half-decent social skills. The problem lies in putting yourself in second position every single time, and trying to put everyone else’s needs before yours.”
Have a support system, not an external validation system
Zain thinks that if you have a solid support system, you will never look for external validation or other people’s judgments. When your family, friends, and community are there for you and care for your well-being, you believe in your potential. The need for external validation will simply disappear if you believe you’re competent and your support system believes it too.
My conversation with Zain felt so personal and yet deeply enlightening. He put words to all the emotions and thoughts I’ve been having, but couldn’t verbalize. This is a special episode for me, and you can listen to our entire conversation here.
Till then, I leave you with some kind words of wisdom from Zain:
“There’s going to be ups and downs, but as long as you stick with it and work on that relationship with yourself, I think you get closer to the resonance with yourself.”
“70 to 80% of life is just showing up, regardless of whatever that might mean, even if it means that you’re not giving your 100% that day. Most of life is just showing up.”
“It takes time and practice to learn to listen to your gut. It can be very difficult for someone with anxiety, because you don’t know whether you’re listening to your gut or to the internal chatter of your mind saying no, no, no, no, no, no. That’s part of the skill set.”
