I feel I have been writing my story for years, and today I finally have the chance to share what it is like to live in my head!
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD (In my late 30s). These are two interesting mental health conditions – one I was born with and one I, unfortunately, developed in my very early childhood (Although with BPD, recent scientific evidence seems to have found underlying, nonfocal, central nervous system dysfunction in borderline personality disorder.)
Mental health conditions rarely come alone – since they are so under-recognized and unsupported, those of us with these conditions end up living our whole lives in fear, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, mood disorders, substance abuse, and more!
Back when I was younger, ADHD wasn’t even a thing.
I was just a badly behaved, disruptive, lazy, stupid person with a lack of focus.
Particularly for ADHD, there is a huge lack of awareness. Many people typically go undiagnosed. As ADHD is genetic – these undiagnosed adults will only lead to undiagnosed children of their own, and the vicious circle of pain will continue.
Let me tell you (this will be a bit scientific and geeky but very important) that ADHD is a genetic, mental condition (80% at least).
Our brains are wired a little differently from “neuro-typicals” – we like to call these “neuro-divergent” brains since we are different from the norm (more than 10-15% of the world is neuro-divergent). This difference does not make us less intelligent (We are super insanely intelligent). We have other malfunctions, though. In ADHD – it is a messy mix-up of certain neurotransmitters. We have 7 neurotransmitters. But in ADHD, three in particular: dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, don’t fire up in a neuro-typical way.
This impacts your brain’s “Executive Functioning Systems.” It’s this little machine that keeps a whole lot of things together – like staying focused, remembering to do mundane tasks like paying a bill, being on time, and basically following certain patterns of society.
Imagine having this happen to you all the time, every single day! The world has not been built for us to thrive. Systems like schools or corporates, or even marriage and relationships, function on certain social pillars built by neuro-typicals. We have been struggling for years just to survive – forget about being successful or thriving! It is a lot of anxiety with the constant pain of failure. But you are also a smart, capable, empathetic, amazingly creative human who can achieve a LOT if not forced to conform to this difficult box – like a square peg in a round hole!
Many mental health care professionals are against labeling people or symptoms, but for me, it was such a relief! After struggling for almost 30 years of my life, unable to understand myself properly, I finally had an answer. My life finally made sense, the heartbreaks and the joys – made sense, and I am finally on an internal process of self-discovery. And while this process is life-long, I could finally start working with my brain and not against it!
The biggest learning was that I was NOT lazy, stupid, or crazy. (By the way, this is the name of a fantastic book on ADHD)
I am this amazing person with my own set of gifts, and I can thrive and live a totally amazing life!
I am still very nascent in my mental health journey, so I don’t have any expertise to go deeper than my own story, but I can tell you due to the lack of awareness in my world, it did take me almost a year to accept this diagnosis and start my treatment plan. During this time, I went through other life-challenging events like being laid off, getting divorced, and a pandemic!
I went through very severe depression and anxiety. I started taking meds to help me get over this phase, and I was even more depressed that I had to take anti-depressants now just to be ‘normal.’ I did not know a single person who took any mental health medication. But I wonder if a diabetic or thyroid person would suffer such questions and judgment knowing they have a physiological condition and require medication forever!
Things, however, have improved – I had hit such a rock bottom there was no way to go any lower. Today, I have a small support group, which has changed EVERYTHING for me. Having people I can talk to and share this journey with is incredible. It is a safe space for us to support each other. Today, I take meds for my depression and my ADHD.
Along with that, talk therapy / Cognitive Behavior Therapy, a strong support system, lots of self-love, exercise, and a healthy lifestyle have to still happen parallelly. Many choose not to take meds, and I think if that works for you – it is fine too. Some take meds and stop in a bit – that is also fine.
I still don’t know where my journey will end, but I am much happier today and can make much wiser choices on what is good for me. The brain fog I have lived with for most of my life is finally lifted.
I am learning to love my ADHD brain, and I think it is a gift, not a curse. I do wish depression would end, but time heals all, and it will go eventually.
Accepting all of this took a while, but I am writing this hoping that anyone who feels alone and unsupported can connect with me. You are definitely not alone, and there are many of us here to make sure the word gets out on this more and more.
We need to change mindsets, systems, and most of all, how we perceive and judge people because it is not all as binary as the world forces us to believe!
You can reach me on IG: @mysecretadhdhandle
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed above are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect MyndStories’ views.
